I don’t go out a lot so flying across the country by myself, when I had last flown as a child, was terrifying. Sitting on the stage and the month’s worth of preparing beforehand was a trial on my nerves. However, once Koretzky had begun his opening speech, and Ashe was introducing her topic, I quickly started to get a feel for how things were going to work.
Then it clicked.
I wasn’t afraid. I knew exactly what I had to do and went for it to the best of my ability. I had an objective and my emotions would have to be considered later.
Once we got outside in the god-forsaken Florida Summer, it was decided we would have an impromptu panel. And I agreed, without a second thought, to participate. I was there to make sure the things myself and those who supported Gamergate cared about got heard. It did not matter where I was — if the people listening were taking it seriously, I was too.
It was at the outside panel where I started to really see things happen. Speaking directly to the trickled audience and some of the journalists had gotten a nearly unanimous response: “I understand Gamergate now thanks to the speakers.”
That was amazing. And getting to meet Gamergate supporters in person at GG in Miami was an unforgettable evening. Despite how diverse everyone was, physically or ideologically, there was an immediate cohesion between us. I have never in my life experienced that.
Flying back home was so alien it felt like I had boarded a shuttle to go back to Earth. I felt like I had visited a place where things made sense — where I could see positive change and I had found purpose. It felt like I had found my home planet and that I belonged.
Even though I was sitting at my desk, I wasn’t at work. My mind was worlds away. Maybe others can find it possible to just settle back into a job after something like Airplay, but I’m driven by meaning and the idea that I can contribute to something better and greater than myself.
After a few more days thought, a talk with my family, and a meal with the two friends who encouraged me to go to Airplay I gave my two weeks notice.
People ask why I’ve made so few videos for the last several months and the reason is because I was working in the game industry. Work cycles can be brutal, especially when a game is in crunch time, and working forty to sixty hours a week leaves little time to work on other projects.
With that job behind me I was able to finish my most recent video and begin making plans for my channel. There will be more details about all that in a later blog post though. More importantly though: I’m making the time to go for something I believe in.
It was probably a bad idea to quit my job, but, before going to Airplay, I would have said it was a bad idea to do something so high risk as pay out of pocket, give up my anonymity, and thrust myself into the spotlight. It wasn’t though. Even if there is a great chance I will fail, I know real good can come from it and I have to try.
If I can’t get work writing, making videos, or speaking I may finally open a Patreon (since I mentioned the idea some years back). I may even get a part time job in retail or food service so I’m not forfeiting as many hours as before. Whatever the solution is, I’ll find it. I have faith in these ideas and the people who believe in them.
I’ve failed enough times that I’ve gotten good at starting again. It’s the succeeding part that’s difficult. Gamergate has given so many people hope. It’s a light in the darkness I think many of us were looking for. I’ll chase down the spark and keep it kindled myself if I have to.
Until next time.